FOMO and the Big Easy

I spent Easter long weekend in New Orleans for a Bachelorette Party. Why would someone who suffers from chronic migraines, visual snow, and post concussion syndrome go to The Big Easy? Aside from a few valid reasons (that are too boring and predictable to share), my choice to go on the trip was largely fueled by my "fear of missing out" ("FOMO") (or as my future sister in law would say, the fear of missing stuff ("FOMS")).

For as long as I can remember, I've dealt with FOMO in one form or another. For those who are unfamiliar with the term, FOMO is defined in the Merriam-Webster dictionary as the "fear of not being included in something (such as an interesting or enjoyable activity) that others are experiencing." During her Ted talk on the topic, Priya Parker, the Founder of Thrive Labs, defined FOMO as the "anxiety of opportunity cost." Through her research she found that "we live in fear to make sure that we’re trying to live the best of our possible future scenarios." 

I know what you're thinking -- enough with the definitions. How'd the trip go? I am happy to report that it went really well. 

Did I get to do and see everything that I wanted to do and see? Nope. 

Did I spend a full day and night in bed while everyone else went off to the city? Yup. 

Did this upset me? No! 

Wait? What!? 

Honestly, I was pleasantly surprised, too. While I was resting by myself in the AirBnB, I didn't experience any anxiety about not spending time exploring the city with my friends. I was shockingly calm and content. (Full disclosure: I did feel bad at first that I was letting the bride down, but the guilt didn't last long once I realized how extremely foolish I was being. She was just so happy that I could make the trip; there was no reason for me to feel down about my limitations.)

So what happened to my FOMO? 

I'm going to steal some words from Brene Brown's book Rising Strong to help me explain: 

"Don't let FOMO kill your MOJO. The "fear of missing out" is what happens when scarcity slams into shame. FOMO lures us out of our integrity with whispers about what we could or should be doing. FOMO's favourite weapon is comparison. It kills gratitude and replaces it with "not enough." We answer FOMO's call by saying YES when we mean NO. We abandon our path and our boundaries and those precious adventures that hold meaning for us so we can prove that we aren't missing out.  

But we are. We're missing out on our own lives. Every time we say YES because we're afraid of missing out, we say NO to something. That something may be a big dream or a short nap. We need both. Courage to stay our course and gratitude for our path will keep us grounded and guide us home."

Let that sink in. Actually better yet, stop, go back and read the above passage again. (Ahhh she's so brilliant! I never had an answer to the question: "who would you want to go to dinner with if you could pick anyone dead or alive?" I know now that hands down, no contest, it would be Brene! Sorry - I'm digressing.) Although there's A LOT of good stuff in what Brown wrote, three things really stood out for me:

1. FOMO's favourite weapon is comparison 

My life was turned upside down when I hit my head in February of 2017. I lost my ability to network and be social, my independence, my career, and my financial stability. My relationships were tested, friendships have faded. Being in chronic pain, I have also had to say "no" to plenty of things this year. I have missed weddings, birthday parties, holidays. 

Theodore Roosevelt said that "comparison is the thief of joy" and oh boy was he right. 

Comparing myself to others, to where I think I should be, and to who I was before my accident has only made things more difficult for me. In the beginning, I would spend hours on social media looking at posts of my peers wishing I was with them or that I had their lives. I wanted to be out having fun with them, not suffering in my bed. Then one day, I had had enough and I took some time away from social media. I reminded myself that no one is perfect even if it looks that way in their profile picture. These changes helped. A LOT.  

There's a quote by Albert Einstein that I have found helpful over the last year. "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

I believe Einstein was criticizing the education system with this statement, but I'm going to apply his words to get my point across here.  We (fishes) compare ourselves to those that can climb trees ALL THE TIME.  And yes, this leaves us feeling stupid.  Didn't Dr. Seuss teach us at a young age that "there is no one alive who is youer than you"? We don't compare oranges to apples, so why do we compare ourselves to others? (FYI I also love love love Dr. Seuss.) 

2. FOMO kills gratitude and replaces it with not enough 

I think the opposite is true, gratitude can kill FOMO. 

As I mentioned above, my life is completely different now, but that doesn't mean it is all bad. I may have lost friends, but I have also learned who I can lean on. Furthermore, for everything I've lost, I've gained something new whether that be insight, wisdom, or a new skill. By acknowledging and being grateful for these new gifts, the things I had and the things I feel I should have don't seem all that important. 

For instance, While I was in New Orleans,  I was ecstatic to do and see the things I could (it's a super cool place!) and to spend precious time with an amazing group of people. I was so grateful; there wasn't much room to fear what I was missing. 

3. Every time we say YES because we are afraid of missing out, we say NO to something 

When you stop focusing on what everyone else is doing or what you think and feel you should be doing, something pretty extraordinary happens. You find out what it is you really want to do.  For instance, this last month I went to 30 yoga classes in 30 days. This is a challenge I have wanted to do for the last ten years, but I could never find the time. I finally did it!  When I was in New Orleans, I listened to an entire audio book while I was lying in bed and I thoroughly enjoyed it. 

I have no idea why I never thought of this before, but it really makes sense doesn't it? How can you miss out on something if what you're doing is better for or more enjoyable to YOU?

To close, I challenge all of you who suffer from FOMO (yes! Even you!) to try these three simple things: stop comparing yourself to others, practice gratitude, and have the courage to be true to yourself.  Then one day  soon, you, too, will be flying home from New Orleans celebrating the return of your mojo.