It's Okay Not to be Okay

I know, I know I haven't written a blog in awhile.  My sincere apologies to my loyal readers (Mom & Dad - I love you!).

Why have I been absent? The truth? To say it has been a tough couple of weeks would be a gross understatement.  My migraines have been disabling and the pain unbearable.  (My neurologist told me a fun fact today: the World Health Organization has stated that severe migraine attacks are as disabling as quadriplegia. I also learned today that neurologists do not have fun facts.) 

I have been struggling emotionally. I know that it will take time to find the correct medication to treat my migraine disease and that I just need to be patient, but time is so precious. Who wants to spend their waking hours in bed?  I'm 32 and I’m not getting any younger (at least that's what my biological clock is telling me, which is particularly annoying as I'm not even sure that I want children.)

I am in pain. I am tired. And I'm sad. 

I voiced these concerns to my counselor; let us call her Sophie, who suggested that I just be sad. "It's okay to not be okay," she said. "You are feeling these emotions for a reason. Just don't dwell for too long or let the thoughts consume you. It's all about balance." 

For me, the goal of my therapy sessions has always been to find a quick fix for what is currently ailing me. The result: I am very good at explaining away my problems, setbacks and emotional pain. I like it this way. It works for me. I've also found that guilt and feeling blue are mutually inclusive (at least for me).  "It could be worse" or "I shouldn't feel down because x is happening to x and that's far worse than what's happening to me" are common thoughts that pop into my head. Since I don't like feeling shame or feeling sad, I wasn't too impressed with her suggestion to 'feel'. Plus deep down, I was actually extremely uncomfortable with her proposed idea.  "Is it really okay to not be okay?" I thought. "And why am I feeling so squeamish about this?" 

According to Sheryl Sandberg in her book, Option B, my desire to suppress my negative feelings is likely a bi-product of my environment.  "All over the world, there is cultural pressure to conceal negative emotions. In China and Japan, the ideal emotional state is calm and composed. In the United States, we like excitement (OMG!) and enthusiasm (LOL!)," Sheryl says. "Admitting that you’re having a rough time is almost inappropriate.” 

Samantha Boardman, a psychiatrist and creator of Positive Prescription, dives a bit deeper when she states that "this ‘feel-goodism’ perpetuates the myth that bad feelings ... should be treated with a pill or at the very least controlled and silenced...[the] intolerance toward emotional pain puts us at loggerheads with a basic truth about being human: Sometimes we just feel bad, and there’s nothing wrong with that." Boardman also found that "rationalizing what went wrong in the wake of a failure or disappointment is a common response. It protects us from dealing with unpleasant emotions and feeling badly about ourselves."  

....

Alright. That was A LOT of information. 

Let's take a -- headache -- break here and summarize. (I've been told to work on my pacing, so I have to take things slow. Stay with me. I don't know if it'll be worth it, but you've gone this far and no one likes a quitter - Unless you're Donald Trump. I bet loads of people would applaud if he quit. That was my first Trump joke by the way. How was it? Don't answer that. I know I'm not very funny. Okay. Wait. Where was I? Right. I'm giving you a summary). Summary: it seems that feeling uncomfortable about having negative feelings is normal in our society. This happens to be good segue into my next question: 

If this is the case, is it actually helpful to FEEL these negative emotions? 

Sophie was the one who suggested I look into Dr. Boardman's research on the topic. In one of Boardman's articles, she cites a study entitled, Emotions Know Best: The Advantage of Emotional Versus Cognitive Responses to Failure, where it was found that "to feel bad about a failure can improve performance more than thinking about that failure in some instances. The kinds of thoughts — like rationalizing a failure — people tend to come up with are sometimes counterproductive." Boardman elaborates by saying that "from childhood, we are told not to dwell on mistakes and to move on, but, as the study shows leapfrogging over messy unhappy feelings may not be the best strategy...we need to lean into [those feelings]."

Boardman concludes by saying "if you are in a funk or particularly bad mood ask yourself, “What can I learn from it?”... Most importantly, don’t beat yourself up for being in a bad mood. The truth is that occasional bad moods can be part of a good life." 

Although, Boardman's work was compiling, I wasn't completely convinced, so I also turned to Brene Brown (because it's Brene Brown. Did you know her and Oprah are best friends?) Here are some great excerpts from her book, Rising Strong, that I feel are super relevant here: 

"What we don't need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human."

"We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions." 

"The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more acceptable, but our wholeness -- even our wholeheartedness -- actually depends on the integration of all of our experiences, including the falls." 

So folks, it appears that I don't have a choice here as Brown, Boardman and Sophie are all in agreement on this one.  I'm still skeptical, but I am going to give the "it's okay to not be okay" thing a try (but only for a little while). I'm going to lean in to my negative emotions, I'm going to let go of the shame I feel for doing it, and I'm going to see what I come up with.  

I'll let you know how it goes... Next time.